I am in no way, at least from the outside, defined by my disability. People often say to me “I forgot you couldn’t see” when I, for example ask what a menu board says on my lunch break. Yet on the inside, I feel like I am fighting a constant battle on what is essentially, my greatest insecurity.
This insecurity manifests itself in different ways, but the one I want to talk about today is my job. I know lots of insecure people say that in their jobs they feel like a fraud, and that they are good at deceiving people that they are doing a fantastic job. I was (and sometimes am) like that. When I first started working, I was wholly convinced that the only reason I got the job was because I did not complete an initial reasoning test (disabled candidates were exempt). I wondered how people were going to take me seriously if I couldn’t believe I got the job. Things weren’t made any easier when a bright banana like keyboard (my nemesis), that I didn’t want or need, arrived as part of my reasonable adjustments in my second week. People asked a lot of questions, I wanted to run and hide. As time went on, I took baby steps out of my comfort zone, like walking over to a part of the office and talking to people at their desk. I often remember feeling really red cheeked and nervous, because I can’t always recognise people until I am at arm’s length. It has lead to some very awkward moments waiting for, and in, lifts (like not recognising a Minister!). Slowly, through speaking to more people, and surrounding myself with positive people and energy. I began to feel better and perform better in my job. I had days where I felt worthy, and even the odd day where I thought I was bloody brilliant.
Being disabled and odd, I often see (well, kind of) the surprise on people’s faces when I tell them that I am employed, even more so when they hear my job title! Whilst it being great that I am challenging what some people inherently assume about my disability and me, wouldn’t it be amazing to be part of a society where success isn’t getting a disabled person into any old job, but is to support and challenge disabled people to be the best they can be? If society can foster development in disabled people, instead of putting yellow keyboard shaped barriers on them, wouldn’t that be a better place for me to succeed?
disabilityandme.net 