Having a disability has meant I have always wanted to be the strong one. I felt that in some way it was compensating for something I don’t have a lot of (sight!). I always wanted to be a person that people can rely on, and more importantly, not rely on others! I never liked feeling upset and I thought crying showed weakness.
When I met my husband (who is a lot more in touch with his feelings than me), he taught me it was ok to rely on other people, It was ok to be sad and most importantly, it was ok to expose yourself to others (no, not in that way!). Showing people who you are and opening up to them is a good thing. Over the years, I have done this and it has helped me develop as a person. I have such a good support network and that is really what keeps me going.
So this is me ‘opening up’. I have had a tough week. Work was busy and I have just felt slightly emotionally unstable. This happens to me sometimes – I get ups and downs. When I am like that, I focus on the negative and I beat myself up for a lot of things. I remember going to a job interview about a year ago feeling like this. On the way, I tripped outside the building. I remember crying and thinking “how do I expect to get a promotion if I can’t even walk into a building without falling?”. I remember saying to myself “No matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, I will always be disabled”. I have never told anyone that, not even my husband. He will be spell checking this blog. I bet he will cry! I have been doing this drama workshop thing for visually impaired people recently. It has also helped me ‘expose’ myself to other people. I was asked to do a piece about being really happy and being really sad. I was so nervous. When I did it, I realised that I tend to live my life in extremes, that is who I am. It was liberating for me to let other people see it, and feel it. I could tell they felt it.
So I am writing this because I am feeling sad. I think the point of this one is that I am trying to tell people even the happiest people can be sad, and that being or feeling sad isn’t weak. Sometimes, being strong is knowing when you are weak and ask for help. Just remember people (on the whole) are awesome.
Much love people.
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