Month: April 2016

For many years, my disability just wasn’t a thing to me, it was just something I had and I just got on with it. It only started to become a massive insecurity for me recently. 

I was with someone who didn’t have a problem with my sight himself, but as soon as he told his parents about me, their reaction was that I would not be able to live a normal life and that I would be a constant burden. They thought that if I can’t see, I would not be able to manage a home, or look after children. I felt like I was trying to prove myself; even though I really shouldn’t have to. I studied at a mainstream school, went to a mainstream sixth form, went to university and have been working consistently since I graduated. I have never, ever let my disability get in the way of anything I wanted to do, and this relationship made me feel as though I couldn’t do things everyone else could do – even though I am really bloody independent! I stopped dating him because I deserve better than that.

I work as a support worker – so I support people who have needs surrounding mental health, physical health, learning disabilities, substance misuse, domestic violence, housing and benefits. A client called up our duty line recently and spoke to one of my colleagues as he wanted to complain about the support I am giving him. I really do not mind if clients complain about me – it is good learning experience. However, this client is aware of my disability and when he spoke to my colleague, he said that I was helping him fill in a form and I had to look extremely close to the form because I couldn’t see it properly. When he followed on to make a proper complaint he told my other colleague that due to my disability, I am not supporting him properly. I know that what he said was wrong and he knew it was discriminatory, but it made me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Maybe these people are right. Maybe I am not able to manage the same way everyone else can.

After reflecting on these events, I realised that people’s issues are nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. I am far from perfect, but then again who is? My disability is just part of who I am, it does not mean I am unable, and this applies to everyone, whether you have some sort of diagnosis or not. Nobody should ever make you feel like you are invaluable or inadequate, nobody has that right. If someone starts pinpointing things that are “wrong” with you – do not let them. I wanted to share this with you all, to say these experiences affected me when I let them. You are all stronger than you know, do not let them affect you.

I will leave you with my favourite quote:

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. We are all meant to shine, as children do. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same”

Performing is scary at the best of times (at least for me). To go out in front of people where I am the prime focus is petrifying. I have performed as part of my choir several times, but that did not prepare me for my drama performance yesterday.

I have been working with a drama group for a few months and yesterday was our performance in a London theatre. The performance was essentially looking into the unexpected moments that come with sight loss; these are moments in everyday life that people may not always think about. I was nervous all of yesterday until the performance, like I had a stampede of animals running all over my tummy, not just the normal butterflies. I think this is because I felt like this performance would leave me exposed and vulnerable. I was sharing a story about my life, and it felt like there was more at stake because of this. It is very different from when I perform in a choir, as we are singing songs about other people to a well-lit crowd. It is hard to spot my husband. My friend will either tell me where he is or he attracts my attention in some way, but I am always squinting to see if I can spot him! In this drama performance, I liked that:

• The lights were so bright I couldn’t really see anyone in the audience (so there was no point in me even trying to squint) and also the fact that there was dark, apart from these lights shining on me and my fellow actors.
• At the end – the members of the audience shouted out their names, line by line.

Not being able to see the audience properly was almost freeing to me. I liked the fact that I couldn’t make eye contact with my husband or my friends (apart from when I was running around in the audience!) which took off a lot of pressure. Regardless, I was worried that, because the performance was full of different sketches, not all of which I even understood, people wouldn’t get it (Context: I didn’t want to make a complete prat of myself). Oddly enough, people really enjoyed it and it obviously left an impact as I got so many questions about what different sketches meant and lots of praise. I am not used to that kind of praise.

I am buzzing, still buzzing from our performance yesterday. I can’t quite believe that we all did so well, and I actually feel rather proud of myself. Seeing as I am not the most confident person this isn’t a normal feeling, so I am just going to enjoy it while it lasts 🙂